Presidential Acceptance Speech
by Bill Sardi

With the mandate of the people behind me, I
accept the challenge to work on your behalf
for the next four years, to spend more money
than I ever promised, to continue to feed the
bankers billions of dollars of interest on
the national debt via the Federal Reserve
Bank and its collection agency, the Internal
Revenue Service, so that you have to work five
months of every year just to pay taxes.
Remember, if we lower taxes and that spurs the
economy, then the federal government still
collects more money, so we always win and
you always lose.

I will launch a phony war during my four
years to show foreign nations that we can
"kick ass," and of course, to test our new
weapons and show them off as scare tactics
around the globe. And when we "win" the war
without American casualties, it will create
a legacy for my Presidential library.

I will work to ensure our scientists have
phony jobs launching space satellites and
creating meaningless space stations.

I will put more teachers in the classroom
as a way of reducing the unemployment rate
and I'll rig the scholastic tests so your
kids appear to do better.

I will oppose generic drugs so that the drug
companies have more money to conduct research
to create even more drugs that are
ineffective, cause side effects and keep our
hospital beds full, so that more doctors and
nurses have jobs. I will rid the nation of
dangerous herbal products like ginseng,
ginkgo, and garlic capsules that have been
proven to be ineffective and may be dangerous.
I will implement a prescription drug program
for seniors so they can die sooner from drug
side effects, that now needlessly kill 274
Americans every day.

I will raid any government stash of money
and use it for any purpose, regardless of
what it was intended for. I will continue
to raid the Social Security system and declare
our government has a surplus when it doesn't.

I will uphold the honor of the Presidency.
I won't be chasing any girls around the oval
office. In the spirit of the times, I will
propose the "Oval Office Cam," where citizens
of the USA can look right in on all the events
at the White House, including the breakfast
room and the Lincoln bedroom.

We will create a legacy, regardless of
reality. We will do more to promote the
status quo than previous administrations,
and we will raise the minimum wage to $15
an hour, so you can pay $8 for a fast-food
hamburger and $9 for a box of cereal.

We will continue to manipulate government
statistics, so that my Presidency will go
down in the record books as a great
Presidency. And I owe it all to you, the
sheeple of the United States. Thank you
for this vote of confidence."

Your President: _________________

(To be filled in soon)